Friday, 18 February 2011

Knowing what you want

"Know what you want, why you want it, and how much you want it." Charlie Spedding.

I want to succeed at this, because I want to prove to myself that I am a runner, and it's hard to quantify how much I want it, but I am prepared to put up with a lot of pain and discomfort to get it done.

I know it seems odd to say after 13 marathons that I need to prove I am a runner, but I'm sure a lot of other runners out there will know what I mean when I say, fast is good, but it's never quite fast enough. Going a long way is good, but again it's never quite long enough. That is what I love about running, there is always another goal. I think so many of us are comparing ourselves with runners who are just that little bit faster, or that little bit stronger. It took me 5 years of running not to feel like a beginner.

In the past I have been in situations where my running has been compared not very favourably with those around me, and it is that sense of inadequacy that drives me on. Rationally I realise that I am a good runner, and I realise that I have already completed races other runners can only aspire too, but deep down it's just not enough.

I don't like to admit it, but I think a large part of why I am running across Wales is to show other people that I am just as good as them. Of course rationally that makes no sense because comparing yourself with others is utterly pointless. But I've always felt not quite good enough. I've always felt that I need to do better to really be good enough.

This feeling of not being good enough sounds as if I am ridden with neuroses. I'm not. I'm bloody lucky!

I am so lucky that I want to do this mad thing. I am so lucky that I get to experience this mad run. I am so lucky that I am driven to push myself to extremes. I get to have an experience so few people have, and I know why I'm doing it, and I accept it about myself.

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